No two funerals are the same, as no two people are the same. There may be common factors but the personal touches which reflect the personalities involved make them unique and special. Funerals generally include a service which may be held at a funeral parlor or in a church, synagogue, or other place of worship.  Many people now choose to have a ‘green funeral’ and the service may be held in woodland or parkland – even on a Golf Course, depending upon the wishes of the family or the person who has died.  These services offer an opportunity for families to give readings, recite one of the specially written poems for funerals or give a Eulogy, telling the story of a life well lived.

Some families choose to have a memorial service following the burial or cremation at a later time, when the grief is less raw. Often family and friends can gather at place special to them all so they can remember the person they have lost.

Whatever form it takes a funeral should honor the life of the person you love, adding your own personal and unique touches makes it special and a comforting way in which to say goodbye.

My husband and I were talking about this the other day – we have been faced with a number of situations over the last couple of years where both of us had potentially life threatening illnesses.  Fortunately, we both survived and are likely to do so for quite a while, but what came out of our conversation was the fact that we haven’t really discussed properly what we want.  Because you talk around the subject, you assume that everyone ‘sort of knows’ what you want – but do they?  I have quite strong views about what should happen to what is left of me, and how I want to be ‘commemorated’ if that is the right word, he has less strong views but views none the less.

Having discussed it amongst ourselves then came the realisation that the one who really needs to know is our daughter.  In a worst case scenario she would have to deal with both of us at once, to my mind it would be a help if she was at least aware of our wishes and didn’t have to worry about that.  The upshot of this is that we have decided to write out exactly what we want and to give her those details – I can see her reaction now, something along the lines of ‘Oh Mother, do you have to…’ (I’m always Mother when I’m in trouble!).  That aside, I will feel more comfortable knowing that I have done my best to make things as easy as possible for her.

I was given a very simple piece of advice – in fact so simple it had never occurred to me. Find a poem you like – and then adapt it. It can be as much or as little as you want. Just changing ‘she’ to ‘he’ can be sufficient. If you want to be a little more adventurous you could maybe add in something about the friend you have lost. If the poem refers to children or grandchildren you can make it more appropriate, putting in your relationship. You could put something about hobbies, or things you have shared together, a shared memory, anything you want to share with the people who are there to celebrate the life of your friend or family.

You don’t have to be too elaborate and it doesn’t have to be long, just enough to tell the world how you feel. It is so important to share our feelings at a time of loss or they can become an unbearable weight in our minds that we find it so hard to get away from.

I use a wonderful little book full of ‘Poems For Funerals’, which has a huge variety of things for me to draw on and I can generally find something that helps me say what needs to be said and gives me comfort at the same time. It’s also a huge comfort – just reading some of the poems and Readings helps me come to terms with the loss I have suffered.